Yeah, I'm not good at titles

Confession

2011-12-18T20:49:00.001-06:00

Ok, so this is another update after a long time of not writing. This was the worse semester of my life and I am honestly saying this since I almost collapsed from exhaustion. I feel like I'm in a good place, even though I haven't gotten everything that I wanted. I am starting to realize that God prevents me from having things because either He wants me to learn something or He is protecting me from danger. In this way, I feel very blessed.

When I remember the last year about people I have lost or jobs I didn't get, in the long run I have realized that it was better for me not to have them/it anyways. I thought of my life as a fleet of sinking ships and I have been jumping from boat to boat before the former is submerged. At times. I have felt like I would like to look at my life in a different way, something more positive. However, this is it. Life is hard and it is only on reflecting on the bigger picture of your life where one can find peace or solace. From this reflection, I realize that I may be on a path that leads to something that pretty much the majority of my family hasn't obtained yet. I feel arrogant saying that, but the cycle of relationships in my family has been the same all the way down. I am still trying to figure out where this path leads to but I hope it will lead to the acceptance and security that I crave.

I realize that that security can't be obtained from anyone because when they leave I am right at the beginning again. This is what happened to me in the past few months. I fell for that guy and I fell hard (even against my better judgement). He promised me so much but in the end, all I have gotten are texts messages explaining... I thought the last man was bad in terms of lying, but I apparently have graduated to a whole other level of it. The problem was that I was putting my eggs all in one basket again and putting them in well before I should have. I am still hurt by this because what I thought I had experienced was mirage. It is also a major ego blow. I didn't see this coming. I was... I don't know how to explain...but I feel that the energy of that time cause me to be so dizzy that I couldn't tell up from down. I loved it, but it also made me anxious and extremely defensive. I would be critical of this person and not realize why. I didn't do this with anyone else. I think when I gave all my eggs prematurely and without him reciprocating, I felt very exposed and the relationship hadn't developed enough to trust him...so I freaked out.

By the way, this is also one of the reasons I haven't been writing. I was too embarrassed to admit this. That someone could so easily find the crack in the wall and bypass all the defensives so easily. I need to put my pride aside and admit that I'm human. Sometimes I trust the wrong people. I still talk to this guy... I have been trying this friends thing out, but I don't really know how long this is going to last. Too many games have been played to be able to trust him like I did before and I don't forget easily.

Other things have also happened, but I think this is a long enough post for now. :~P

Its All in the Eye of the Beholder

2011-11-18T22:14:00.000-06:00

Da Funk

2011-10-16T21:03:00.000-05:00

The last few days I haven't wanted to really do anything. Especially applying to internships and jobs! I don't think I'm depressed. There is really nothing wrong in my life. It has been unusually calm. Maybe that's it. I'm always used to weathering some type of storm. I'm just not used to being ok and content with where I'm at. Interesting.

I was thinking about this a few days ago, I have been through a million changes since I was 18. Transitions good or bad can cause depression. While I'm soon going to be a upon another one with graduation and searching for a professional job, I don't feel it right now. I was able to have the clarity to look back on my life and recognize this. Before all I remembered was the pain of the worst events, but maybe I have stepped away from it enough to look at it more logically.

It still doesn't explain this feeling. mmm

First Impressions

2011-09-22T13:14:00.000-05:00

First impressions are important, but at the same time they are deceiving. You never know who someone is until something goes wrong. I tend to believe that everything is my fault, but its not. When someone wants to leave, he will leave sometimes without notification. This is hard and for me embarrassing at the same time. I am alone again, but was I ever really with someone. I am so desperate to have someone I can lean on that I will accept anyone. My friend told me that I need to starve my loneliness like if it was alcoholism. But I've always been alone, I think this is the first time I want to bevwith someone and allow myself to have a deep connection with someone. I don't know...

This year has been so hard and I'm looking forward to another one.

y todo se cambia

2011-08-12T11:55:00.000-05:00

Yeah I know not the best title but this is what I could think of. I don't want to be known anymore with a name that my ex gave me. I want to be myself, but I haven't totally figured that out. Honestly, I'm a definite hot mess!! lol I chose la muñeca because that is the picture everyone tries to depict me as. I am a pretty little girl. This is one of many struggles of finding myself, figuring what I will be next...

Thoughts?

Inshallah this will be my return one day...

2011-08-06T16:23:00.000-05:00

“Satan rejoiced when Adam (peace be upon him) came out of Paradise, but he did not know that when a diver sinks into the sea, he collects pearls and then rises again”

--Imam Muhammad ibn Abi Bakr ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyya (RA)

Dear Ramadan,

2011-08-03T22:22:00.001-05:00

While you are kicking my @$$ for 15 hours a day, those 3 hours of pure bliss before I crash are what I look forward to each and every year!

Love,

P.S. Feliz Ramadan to all!! (Yeah, I know I'm late.)

One Man's Crazy is Another Man's Terrorist

2011-07-30T15:39:00.000-05:00

Letting go

2011-07-24T21:29:00.000-05:00

I don't even know how to begin this. I met a guy at work and we have been dating for a few weeks now. Me vuelve loca. Well not him, more like the guy before him. I want to give this guy a fair chance, but I find it hard to do. I find myself searching for things that are wrong instead of enjoying what we have in the moment. I was a fool for a very long time and I don't want to repeat my mistakes. Statistically speaking, I will. I find myself getting agitated with him on every little thing. I try to hold it in, but then it just comes out. (word vomit, anyone)

I'm so afraid of being controlled, that I'm afraid that I'm being controlling. Its funny to see the role reversal now. My ex was afraid too. After a few weeks (or a few days), he would pop up and say that he didn't want to get married. I had just turned 20 and I definitely wasn't thinking about that seriously. My ex had married the girl before me after 3 weeks of knowing her. I find myself doing the same thing with this guy now. I am jumping on the offensive because I waited too long to do that the last time. I feel this pressure that my time is short and so I don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't really want me. However, I'm in a lot of ways not allowing myself to see what he has actually done.

He is a very kind and supportive man. Even though, he tries to look tough, but is more like a giant teddy bear (at least he can be with me). This guy is in the military and for the purpose of this post and possibly future ones he will be referred to as BSAM (Big Strong Army Man). Right now he is being strong for the both of us. According to my mom, I am talking on all the fear and anxiety so he doesn't have to. I know he is being patient with me, but I am still in the process of getting myself back. I don't know how long he'll be able to hold out. This scares me. My abandonment issues are all up on the forefront right now and even though I don't know what is going to happen...what if its bad.

I have been trying to tell myself to not think about it, to shut down. (way too much anxiety) However, this last time he mentioned it, and word vomit... Oh Mean Girls, how you have defined my life as a woman soon to be in her late 20s. (sad) BSAM will be doing military soon for 3 weeks. While I dread this and know I will miss him. I think I need the head space. I think this time will give me space to work through my issues a little bit more and maybe I'll be able to trust him. We will still be in contact during this time, but maybe if I know he is far away I won't screw this up so badly. This poor man has to handle all my baggage. I know I will eventually have to handle his, but at least, I got to go first for once. This is one aspect of him that shows me, I might be going in the right direction.

I have stopped myself from writing on this blog, when I found out he read some of the posts. Even though, this is very public, it was scary that he could have access to this part of myself. I tend to write in the moment and so what I put down usually is what I feel and think at that second. With this said, I wanted to write this, partly in hopes that he will come back and read it. I know I have said this before, but I'll say it again, ten paciencia conmigo. I'm not as crazy as I have been presenting myself to be. ;~) besitos.

Oh My Field Instructor!

2011-06-28T21:41:00.000-05:00

I just had my supervision today. MSW students have to have an hour of supervision a week to talk about what has gone on and to have someone be able to see things clinically in a way that a student wouldn't be able to yet. Plus, its an awesome support for an emotionally draining profession.

So I was talking to her about my second year possible internship. I originally wanted to do my second internship in Chiapas working with Central American migrants. After talking to my field instructor I might want to think about five year plans again. But as from previous posts that is not really what I like to do. This is totally making me have to redefine my life. Yuck, again! (However, this might be great potential to have me blog more. Angst of a young almost professional. Sounds like a new blog! ;~))

Wanting what you don't have

2011-06-27T13:27:00.000-05:00

I have been in a rotten mood all day today. At first, I thought it was because its a gray day and it has been raining off and on. Weather does effect my mood a lot. Then the thoughts of yesterday came into my head.

I went out to dinner with friend (which is an expense I can't really afford), she was complaining about her job and how they overworked her. I listened kindly, but didn't really make any comments. She even said that there were a lot of people without work that would love to be in her position. (I sure would!) She asked me what I was going to do Monday and I told her of the emptiness of my day. She told me she wished she was me. I told her, "you really want to go broke." We both wanted what each other had, but for different underlying reasons. I wanted a job for stability and security. My anxiety has gone up recently about money. I hope that I can finish school with the savings that I have. She is stressed out with work, but partly by her own doing. Her fiance is abroad waiting for his visa and the distance is getting to both of them. She works to not think of him.

We are both taking risks and are scared out of our minds. I am taking the biggest financial risk of my life by going back to school with no certainty that I will find a job afterward. My friend is getting married. 'nuff said. These risks frighten us, yet, at the same time tempt us with what could happen.

Insha'Allah everything works out. (And I don't go homeless!)

Muslim Break

2011-06-24T09:43:00.000-05:00

Ramadan is coming and I am preparing my return,insha'Allah. So many things have happened this year that I feel religiously I have been nonexistent. I realize that Islam has changed my life in many ways and due to that I cannot return to who I was before. While I am still not practicing in form, I am mentally preparing myself to do so again. I know it sounds weird, but I think I needed this "break" to ensure that I am Muslim for God and not for some man. I also believe that my ideas of religion have been solidified this year. I don't need to question every little aspect of Islam because I'm afraid to take the next step so to speak. My biggest fear, honestly, was that I didn't want to lose my culture for someone else's. I felt like to be the perfect Muslimah I had to be someone else (i.e. become Arab). While I love Arab culture, and learning about MENA, I have realized that I cannot abandon the core of who I am and who I was raised to be. Through my love of culture, history, and language, I have adopted aspects of those cultures into my life, but I refuse to those myself entirely to pretend to be someone else.

I was talking to a friend once about being a convert. (Both her parents were converts as well.) When you are a convert you are in a constant negotiation of identity between how you were raised and Islam. (While I make this simple and show it as a dyadic relationship, it can and probably is more complicated than this.) I feel like this past year was a definite example of this. I married a man who was a born Muslim and because of this I thought he was better than me. He constantly wanted to change me to follow his cultural norms saying that since he was Arab this was the RIGHT way. Well, we all know how that turned out... I became depressed after a while and thought it was everything else but my relationship. When I came to talk to him about this, he said it was all in my head. I went to religion for answers, but now I realized I was too much in denial to truly comprehend what God wanted me to learn. This year has been very hard, and it continues to be trying emotionally. However, I believe this year has shown me how strong I am inside and how amazing some of my friends have been!

While the first 5 years of my twenties have shown me what paths I should take, I believe the second 5 years will be the adventure of actually taking them. al-7umdulilah for the strength that God (swt) has given me. al-7umdulilah for the lessons He (swt) has taught me. al-7umdulilah for the people God (swt) has brought into my life and al-7umdulilah for the journey.

I know that I haven't been blogging much, but just in case there isn't a post for a while, I hope you all take this time before Ramadan to reflect and prepare for this holy month. And if I'm super MIA: Ramadan Kareem and Eid Mubarak!

My friends are freaks and they will buy this phone because of this ad!!

2011-05-29T17:09:00.000-05:00

No pienso mas en planes de 5 year

2011-04-25T17:03:00.000-05:00

I had a job interview last month and one of the questions was what is your 5 or 10! year plan? Well, that took me a moment. I almost was going to give the answer that I would have given 5 years ago. I don't plan my life that way anymore. I realized especially from this year (or the 3 months that turned my life inside out and upside down) that 5 year plans are unrealistic. At most, (after undergrad) you should have 2 year plans or less. Right now I am on track with my two year plan and I'm content with that. Anything beyond that plan, God knows!

A year ago, I would have told you that my 5 (or whatever) year plan would be to go to grad school, get a job, plan for trying to conceive a baby when I'm 28, save for a house, etc. Now, I don't even know if I want to live in this country anymore. (This is not a bad thing.) After getting out of my relationship, I feel like a lot of options have opened up to me that weren't there before or at least not for people who were in committed relationships.

I'm still figuring out my options and from there maybe I'll formulate my next two year plan.

Ethnically Ambiguous (I feel like I have used this title before)

2011-04-22T21:15:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who is going to teach a class on privilege this semester. She told me about a task that the class was going to do together. She would say something like "wouldn't get a loan based on the color of his/her skin," those that didn't have to deal with that would step forward. I stopped myself from saying what was an obvious issue to me but of course to 100% Desi that she was, it wouldn't be. What if you're mixed?

I have a 50/50 chance that people will think I'm white. I would have no idea which way to step if asked these questions because it honestly depends on the person I come in contact with. For example, my supervisor thinks I'm Jewish while my coworkers think I'm Latina. Yes, I know, but it is happening!! If there is ever a problem, I'm always questioning whether it is race or not. I have to really listen between the lines when someone talks to figure out what they are taking me for. Another example was when I was talking with a resident who is white and she said that this neighborhood (historically Hispanic) was becoming more white.....professional, urban. Guess what she took me for. (If you guessed brown, you would be correct!)

I know I have more privilege than most because my skin is lighter, but knowing actually when I have privilege is up in the air based on the person. I didn't feel like I could bring this up to my friend because I don't know many like me. While interracial relationships are becoming more acceptable, the children and grandchildren of those relationships haven't been as accepted. We are a minority within a minority and our voice is almost never heard. I really don't know many people in my position. (My cousins tend to be on one end of the spectrum or the other, they don't have to deal with being in the middle) I love being mixed. I love all the countries that I come from. However, I know it would be easier if I was from one country.

As I have grown up I have realized this is a very American issue because Latin American and North African countries don't have this issue. (90% of them are mixed!) I am a little jealous of them. They don't have to feel gagged by this issue that should be a none issue. Am I wrong?

I have neglected you all,

2011-03-16T18:25:00.000-05:00

but I'm afraid that is my life right now. I'm pretty much busy 6 days a week now and on my off time I write papers like I did for 6 HOURS today. I am so burnt out and I'm afraid I will not get a real break until the Christmas holiday. I try to find something that will interest you to post of this little blog.

beijos,

S.

Don't Worry I Survived the Blizzard

2011-02-04T16:52:00.000-06:00

Simply Amazing

2011-01-28T21:14:00.000-06:00

Mabrook Ya Misr!!

2011-01-28T16:12:00.000-06:00

I am so proud of your bravery!! If everything turns out as planned, insh'Allah, you and my beautiful Tunisia will stand as models for us all. (Don't worry Yemen, I haven't forgotten about you. )

My heart is so full to hear the news. Just waiting for Mubarak to leave!!

Aljazeera is reporting live on this now!

Linguistic Ramblings

2011-01-27T21:15:00.000-06:00

I have to say out of all the languages of the world, I'm glad my native language is English. I say this because I doubt I would ever get to the level that I am now by learning it in school. English is a hard language with many different rules that sometimes don't make any sense at all. It was extremely hard for me to learn to read and write in my language due to my Dyslexia. I wonder if I was growing up in a language like Spanish where all the letters have the same sound (no short or long sound) and you pronounce them all, would I really have the same problems.

Its interesting to come to this conclusion. I was watching different Brazilian TV shows trying to pick up the language when I would hear "the garden" or "sold out" being placed into the language. Clearly, there are Portuguese ways of saying these words, but if I was a native speaker I wonder if I would understand them. I think about this in Spanish too. I watch a novela where the rich yuppie girls put English phrases into their Spanish. Of course at times, they then translate it into Spanish soon after. If I didn't speak English as my native language, would I ever learn it all?

I'm glad I know English because so many people use it. It is one of those languages that people use as a common language if the two don't speak each other's native language. It is clearly the unofficial lingua franca today. I'm glad I know it, even though, so many peoples make fun of our ugly American accent on other languages. When I was younger and learning Spanish this really effected me. So now I speak Spanish with a great accent and horrible grammar. Today learning Portuguese, I know my accent will be so out of control so, Insh'Allah, this time around my grammar will be better. ;~)

I guess if God allowed me to control my own destiny, I would grow with both English and some other language in my household like most of my friends have. Then I wouldn't feel so behind, today. Let's hope I can learn Portuguese by 30 and then, of course, I'll have to pick up another. Language is the door to a whole new world that I would never learn about if I only knew English.

Oh, how I love them all!

So is this guy the Don Francisco of Brasil?

2011-01-27T19:14:00.000-06:00

By the way, they are totally talking about that. ;~) This, definitely, doesn't help to break the stereotypes of Brasil.

Soy Nerda

2011-01-27T10:19:00.000-06:00

So I realize that whenever I am in a bad mood going to class tends to do the trick. I always come out happier and not thinking of the B.S. from the past. I realized a few days ago that I have always been in one class or another. This would include my years out of school. Even when I am in school, I will go and try to learn another language. (Aprendo portugues agora.)

I feel like life would be so boring if I stopped learning.

Foto Credit

P.S. Random fact, when I Google nerda, I got masturbation.

Mommy Dearest

2011-01-26T09:41:00.000-06:00

My mother is the queen of low blows and guilt trips. The best part is that she thinks that right after it all that I should forgive her and act like nothing happened. Honestly, I don't know how to do that. For me, there is a point of no return and she has passed it several times. She doesn't understand why I'm separating from her and why I want to move out. I swear this is a crazy mix of our cultures negotiating with each other then having to deal with the American dominant culture. Yes, I'm gonna go scholarly with you all because this post is getting too serious even for me.

First off, my mother is Indian and Jewish which totally confirms that she can and will do the first statement of the post. (Don't even try to deny it). While being her daughter, I am also Indian and Jewish. However, I do have a father which makes me Italian. Can you see why I'm not good at forgiving and forgetting? (Oh the post of stereotypes!)

However, there will always be a natural conflict between us wherever we live. The Indian side saying that I should live with her until death. (I am her only child.) While the American side says that I am a loser if I live with her past high school. Yet, Chicago being a city of immigrant parents, I can get away with it a little bit.

My life is full of these multicultural contradictions that traumatize me on a daily basis. I feel at times that I am the only one. I know that is not true, but its not like I talk about these problems or have people that relate to them in my real life.

So I think I have to stop watching TV

2011-01-25T15:44:00.000-06:00

I tried to write this post about a week ago, but wasn't in the mind set too. I haven't posted in so long because I have been sick with get this, the flu and strep throat (thank God for antibiotics); on top of this, school started last week. Why does everything have to happen at the same time in my life?

I know I wrote last time that I was worried about my Tounsi family. I just want to let you all know that they are okay. Apparently, Rey went missing for a few days because he was at a protest and wasn't able to get home before curfew. That was the only scare, but he is ok and safe.

Da man and I are still discussing our future together. He doesn't want to do this because then he has to make a choice either to change or let me go. At this point, I want to be out of the grey so I wish he made his decision already.

I still haven't started this internship yet. Apparently, there are issues between the site and the school, but no one wants to talk to each and I have to play e-mail/phone tag with both. We'll see if this ever happens. Yet, I have found a summer internship at Brazilian Center here that pays and offers free Portuguese. It have nothing to do with my degree, but hey, I am going to apply for it anyway. Insh'Allah everything works out.

I already feel behind in/overwhelmed with school hence the title. I doubt that will happen, but let's hope I can get on top of things. :~P

Protests hit the Capital and Coast

2011-01-12T11:14:00.000-06:00

Last night the protest moved north to Tunis. Da man has tried to reach his family, but no one picks up the phone. I have tried to contact through the net, but doubt Ben Ali would allow for that communication to occur. Today, protest have started in Sfax (a city on the central coast of Tunis).

I am extremely worried. No U.S. media has picked this up. I guess its just easier to talk about Haiti.

Sfax protest video (don't worry no gore)

Tunisian Interior Minister Sacked

The Tunisian president has sacked his interior minister after a deadly wave of violent unrest reached the capital, Tunis, for the first time.

Rafik Belhaj Kacem, who was responsible for the police force which has been widely criticised for its ruthless response to the protests, was dismissed on Wednesday.

Soldiers were earlier deployed in the centre of Tunis after violence flared in the capital for the first time overnight.

Armoured vehicles rumbled through Tunis and troops took up positions at major intersections and the
entrance to the Cite Ettadhamen quarter where rioters burnt vehicles and attacked government offices late on Tuesday.

It was the first rioting in the capital since protests over unemployment erupted in mid-December, turning violent in the west of the country at the weekend when security forces opened fire on demonstrators.

The government said 21 people were killed in three days of unrest in the western Kasserine region, and that security forces acted in self-defence, but labour unions and rights groups said more than 50 were killed.

Meanwhile sources told Al Jazeera that five people had been killed in fresh clashes between protesters and security forces in the south.

Is this me??

2011-01-11T19:04:00.000-06:00

Apparently, someone wanted to know the definition of my name on AOL Answers?

And someone else answered -- a blogger (feel a little flattered, but thats not the right answer. ;~)

http://aolanswers.com/questions/translation_arabic_term_504182783580659?#answers

News Update Tunis

2011-01-11T18:00:00.022-06:00

I got all these articles off Twitter. Please follow The Moor Next Door, Mona El Tahawy, and Ibn Kafka for information on Tunis, North Africa, and the Middle East.

Arab Regimes on Edge

It's very clear that most Arab regimes are on edge over the possibility of the spread of the protests in Tunisia and Algeria. Arab columnists and TV shows have been excitedly debating the real causes of the protests and what they might mean, while in country after country warnings are being sounded of a repeat of the "Tunisia scenario." It's not at all clear whether these protests actually will spread yet, as regimes on high alert will not be taken by surprise and local conditions vary dramatically.

Read more here.

Tunisian Stocks Decline to Lowest Since May on Job Riots, School Closures

Tunisia’s benchmark stock index fell to the lowest level in eight months after the government closed schools and universities to quell the worst violence the country has seen since unemployment protests began last month.

Read more here.

Exteriores desaconseja a los ciudadanos españoles viajar al interior de Túnez por las protestas

El Ministerio de Asuntos Exteriores desaconseja a los ciudadanos españoles viajar a las zonas interiores de Túnez debido a las protestas sociales que vive el país desde hace tres semanas, que han causado decenas de muertos.

Lea mas aqui.

In Mourning

2011-01-10T16:50:00.000-06:00

I am in mourning for a country I have never been to. The protests in Tunis have turned violent. I fear for those that are still a part of my family, but I have never met. I fear for the expats who are visiting their families. I fear for him even though he is in the same city that I live. Below is a link to an EXTREMELY GRAPHIC (NOT FOR CHILDREN AT ALL!!!!) video that was posted on facebook about what was happening in one of the hospitals. I myself could not watch the whole thing. I am crying while I write this post because the utopia that I have always dreamed of going to has shed its skin and has shown it's soul.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=117789271627321&comments

While Tunis is a very beautiful country, it has many problems. There is basically no freedom of press. There is little to no transparency in the government and the same president has magically won all the elections for the last 23 years. (By the way, he is the 2nd president since Tunis won independence from the French in 1956.) There is extremely high unemployment especially of those who have college degrees. That is why the protests started because Ben Ali promised to do something about it and nothing was done. Tunisia also has the most progressive personal code and the women have the most freedoms out of all the women in MENA. However, this freedom has been gifted to Tunisian women by men and therefore, is also a means of control of the population as well as a nice illusion for European tourists.

I really have no clue where this is going to go. I know I will probably cry more because if this truly is a revolution then there will be a lot more innocents killed and if it is not then Ben Ali will, of course, want his revenge. This means even less freedoms for Tunisians. (I doubt the internet will be quite as interesting if Ben Ali comes out on top.) The protesters (and maybe their families included) will be jailed, tortured, and/or killed. The lucky ones will go to Europe for asylum. The mirage of the Afro-Arab utopia will continue.

Please pray for Tunis and say Surah al-Fatiha. I will. If you know any Tunisians in the U.S. or wherever you are, be supportive. I am in pain because I know that someone I love is in pain. This feeling would be multiplied ten fold if I was away from home and this happened to my people.

Inna Lillahi wa inna ilayhi Raji'un

From Tunis to Brazil

2011-01-06T21:15:00.000-06:00

I am quite the country whore. Something is going down in Tunis with protests, but its too soon for me to read anything that so closely relates to him. I don't want to have to think of his family and what may happen to them depending on how Ben Ali reacts or has reacted. I am trying to shut down the love that I have for these people, but all I can do for now is to pretend they don't exist.

Here is the coverage, so far:

Las protestas de Túnez se extienden a una decena de ciudades de Argelia (SPN)

Thousands of Tunisia lawyers strike (ENG)

Feliz Ano Novo!!

2011-01-01T11:07:00.000-06:00

What a crazy ride it has been!! It has all been worth it! I hope that you all have a fantastic 2011. I hope all your resolutions come true!! ;~)

Minha jornada língua

2010-12-27T20:49:00.000-06:00

Since October when Brazilian skateboarding was revealed to me, I started to teach myself Portuguese. I already know Spanish so I thought it wouldn't be too hard to teach myself a romance language since I already know one. Needless to say Google translate has become my new super best friend. (See my devotion to it from the title.)

At this point, I can read news articles and understand most of it. Its funny that I can read so much better than I can speak or understand it spoken. It definitely wasn't like this when learning English or Spanish. I decided that if I stick to this for a year than I will actually go and take a class, but for now Living Language, YouTube videos, o globo, random sports articles, e os twitteros skatistas will have to do.

So far this has been a nice distraction and it makes me happy when I see myself making head way so quickly. I know in a few more months that I will probably hit a wall and that is the make it or break it phase where I will truly have to disipline myself and the hit the books hardcore. I'm hoping by then I can find others that can speak the language so I can practice out loud to someone instead of just to my soul mate (my vaio).

I hope you look forward to random facts that I find out about Brazil and to more language learning stories from pit stops along the way.

12-22-2010

2010-12-26T18:44:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas!!

2010-12-24T11:12:00.001-06:00

I will try not to be this guy, this year:

Lack Luster

2010-12-22T15:20:00.000-06:00

I'm in a funk. I don't really know if its a depressing funk, more like a blah funk. I have fallen off the loose sch. I've been on. ~~Pesando en el. I think he's forgotten about me.~~ I've been staying in the house a lot lately and just sitting. I really don't think about anything. I just wish it was warmer. Its easier to forget past pain if there is nice weather.

I have gotten some of my grades back. I'm waiting on the last one to come in. The lowest I have gotten is an A- so far. I should be happy about this. But I think, lo que sea, they're just grades. Me siento vacia. No sé como llenarme... Tengo miedo que nada llenará este espacio para mucho tiempo. Spanish has been comforting to me. I want to immerse myself in it to escape my English thoughts.

(random note: btw does any know how to place accent marks in blogger? every time i write them through my word doc and paste them in, blogger erases the rest of the post instead of just editing the single letter.)

Skateistan: Skateboarding in Afghanistan

2010-12-21T09:23:00.002-06:00

SKATEISTAN: TO LIVE AND SKATE KABUL from Diesel New Voices on Vimeo.

Altmuslimah promoted this documentary about skateboarding in Afghanistan. The interesting part is that girls are starting to like it more than boys. This would be different from how the rest of the world has followed this sport. Insha'Allah this doc will have a wide release. I would really like to see this in its entirety.

Coffee Prince (Tales of the Unemployed part 2)

2010-12-19T16:01:00.000-06:00

I've always heard Korean novelas were good, but I never watched any b/c of the language barrier. However, Hulu has put a bunch of Korean series on their site with an English subtitle option. This one is so cute!! Enjoy.

Tales of the Unemployed

2010-12-14T16:10:00.001-06:00

You take in your friend's cat for Thanksgiving weekend and it turns out to be a whole month. Then you discover his favorite place is in the bathtub and amongst the shampoo, the medicine, and the cleaning supplies.

Now, only if he could clean, he would be the world's best cat.

What a world...when you can't even get unpaid work.

2010-12-12T20:18:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I didn't get the internship I applied for which means most likely I will have to do summer block. If I do that that means for sure I will be out of work for a year. I am not looking forward to that. This was a real ego blow, but I will continue to put one foot in front of the other.

My Saturday job uplifted my mood. My kids (I shouldn't call them that anymore since they are all around 18) learned the word "flat." One of the kids started singing, "Flat like a G6. Flat like a G6." I had to smile at that as well as correct it. He was a little disappointed when I told it was "fly" like a G6. He got his confidence back, though, when he told me that stutter was tartamudeo in Spanish.

To be a little more positive

2010-12-08T15:59:00.000-06:00

I am currently sitting in the library of my school trying to entertain myself through a long break between classes. I just turned in my last final and I only have 3 1/2 semesters until I graduate with my master's degree. For some reason my other teacher wants us to come into class, even though we turned in the final on Monday. (I'm crossing my fingers for a surprise pizza party. I know it won't happen, but a girl can dream!!) I'm glad to be done, but I'm afraid of how to fill the time. I haven't found a full or part time job yet (I'm only working 3 hours on Saturdays) and a lot of my friends want to hang out now. We'll see what happens. I have to start up my job search again since finals are over and now I can concentrate. I'm hoping something will come quick. On the news, I heard in 3 months that more job openings will start opening up. It would be nice to be able to pay my bills, move out of my mother's house, take a vacation to an exotic local, and finally not have to scrimp and save. But I guess that is the life of a sharshura, pinching pennies till there is nothing to pinch.

So far I like my Saturday job. Its not every Saturday and it doesn't pay much. That is the bad side. At the school I'm working at, I'm working with the ESL students on ACT prep. I finally get to have the best of both words, working with immigrants and with kids!!! My students are cute. The coordinator said that they have high comprehension, but I'm little worried. He said that some of the kids are undocumented and for them to go to college they need a high ACT score to apply for scholarships. (Undocumented immigrants are not eligible for financial aid in the U.S.) I don't know how these kids can handle all the uncertainty in their futures. I don't know if I could handle it with as much grace as they do.

I wonder if the Dream Act will pass today. I really hope it does. Se Deus quiser.

Terrible Realization

2010-12-05T15:14:00.000-06:00

When someone tells you, when you leave, that they will die alone a drug addict. What do you call this?

They get contraceptive shots before they come. The women come expecting to be raped.

2010-11-15T12:08:00.000-06:00

I just watched a group of short films documenting what Central American migrants experience when crossing into Mexico. Their ultimate goal is to immigrate to the United States. The migrants must fear being robbed, beaten, raped, kidnapped, and/or murdered. With all this said, sometimes their families back homes never learn what happened to them. They will forever be know as "desaparcidos," the missing.

Gael Garcia Bernal and Marc Silver directed this group of films. Garcia Bernal is very well known for his roles in Amores Perros, Motorcycle Diaries, and Rudo y Cursi.

Here is the link to the films. http://www.youtube.com/invisiblesfilms

(It would not allow me to embed them into the post.) Enjoy.

Below is the trailer.

Depressive Rant

2010-11-12T14:47:00.000-06:00

So this past month, I have really gotten into learning Portuguese and by extension, began to learn much more about skateboarding than I ever truly intended to know. Yes, my life is sad and pathetic. I have regressed/transformed into a 13 year old boy.

I try to keep busy so I don't reflect on how my life that has turned upside down and inside out within 3 months. Its all so overwhelming for me. I keep thinking of the same question that every kid in high school has been asked, "So where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Honestly, if things keep going the way they have been going, I see myself alone and in a homeless shelter. (Don't worry this is just depressive thinking and I am no where near a homeless shelter, financially speaking.)

I just need something good to happen. Something that is truly good. Not the type of good where you are happy in the moment and then a week later, someone says nope, we made a mistake. This is not for you. Inshallah. This comes soon.

Until then, enjoy my new obsession:

Song Obsession November

2010-11-07T10:22:00.000-06:00

Does he have to be more into you then you are into him to make it work?

2010-10-27T20:48:00.000-05:00

My friend came for a short visit from Cameroon. I was talking to her about my ex and we were talking about her boyfriend. She told me that no couple loves each other equally. In her last relationship, she definitely loved him more than he loved her. Now, in her current relationship, she says that he is more into her than she is into him. She says she loves him, but he loves her more. With my ex, I loved him from the beginning to the end. It wasn't until after we split that I really believed that he cared for me and loved me in his weird way.

But this is my question, in marriage, does the man have to love the woman more for the marriage to work out? Or can it be the opposite way around? Do you disagree or agree with my friend about love equality?

I would really appreciate comments on this.

Prayer Funk

2010-10-14T16:27:00.000-05:00

I'm going through another prayer funk phase. I have been going through it since Ramadan ended and I haven't been able to snap out of it. I don't know if it is a reaction to the break up or from something else.

Do you all ever go through this? What do you do to counteract it?

When I thought all was lost...

2010-10-09T20:08:00.000-05:00

We have so much work to do. I chose Islam for the wonder of the word, because I believe in the five pillars of the faith, because I love Allah and justice. I have been blessed to bear witness to women's realities in what people think of as two different worlds, and I have seen that those realities are essentially the same.

I bear witness to the woman beaten by her lover in the street outside my Brooklyn apartment - and to the woman tied to a Nigerian whipping post. I bear witness to the woman forced to strip to survive in Atlanta - and the woman forced to cover to survive in Afghanistan. I bear witness to the ever increasing legions of women caught in this country's prison industrial complex, often because of the associations with husbands and male lovers - and I bear witness to women struggling against interpretations of the Shariah in Islamic courtrooms. How do we measure a veiled woman's pain? Does it weigh more or less than the trauma in an American woman's eyes? Should we compare and contrast the horror, brutality, and hard smack against a woman's cheek?

I simply ask that we warrior women, Muslim and non-Muslim, stand shoulder to shoulder, forming ranks, bending forward to carry all our sisters, Muslim and non-Muslim, tapping our collective strength.

--Eisa Nefertari Ulen
Excerpt from "Tapping Our Strength"

Mash'Allah

Columbus Day is Monday

2010-10-08T10:44:00.004-05:00

Oh Colombia

2010-09-23T14:45:00.000-05:00

So I heard the head of FARC died, but thats not what I really wanted to talk about. :~P

Its 2pm and I realize that I have a headache. I have been trying to do this tea thing and yes, I failed. I go to the little grocery store across the street and what do I find?

I guess I should preface this by saying that I have been Facebook stalking people's trips to Colombia. I see these cafes name Juan Valdez all the time in the pics! Right now I'm not cutting it financially to go myself, but at least I can vicariously live through my imported coffee. :~P

Now I should start my homework. (The joys of fighting off the depression.)

foto credit:It is my own and yes, it is a little blurry.

What is the Dream?

2010-09-21T07:41:00.004-05:00

The dream act is bipartisan legislation created by Senator Dick Durban (D) and Senator Orin Hatch (R). It is legislation that helps pave a path for citizenship for undocumented immigrants who come here as children. (Most of whom do not understand what an illegal status is when they arrive) This act is NOT AMNESTY!! It is conditional based on if the person goes back to school to get a college degree or goes into the military. After the child gets the degree or completes 2 years of military service, they are then eligible for citizenship.

Inshallah it passes. The act is voted on today. I know there is not much time, but if you are residing this in the U.S. please call your senator and ask that he or she support the dream act.

Thank you, IMAN (Inner-city Muslim Actin Network), for giving me the heads up on this!

From the Mouth of an Amazing Young Activist

2010-09-20T17:48:00.002-05:00

Please Support the DREAM Act

aa worked in our communications department over several months and is one of the many DREAMers being stifled by our country’s broken immigration system. Please support her and 2.1 million others by calling a U.S. Senator today: http://action.dreamactivist.org/movedream/

I was born in Kuwait, the daughter of working class Palestinians. After the first Gulf War, when thousands of Palestinians were expelled from Kuwait, we lost everything we had built there. We left for Jordan with only our car and a few belongings. In Jordan my father struggled to find a stable job, and after much deliberation we sold whatever we had left and immigrated to America in 1993. I was in the second grade and had no idea at the time that we would never see our family back home, that our visa was a tourist visa that would expire soon thereafter, that I would be ineligible for financial aid when I reached college, or that I my status would outweigh my qualifications in trying to land a job.

Growing up on Chicago’s South Side, all I knew was that if I wanted to be successful I had to work hard. It’s a simple formula that has for centuries been the foundation of this experiment known as America. I worked hard, was at the top of my classes, and graduated with a degree in architecture. Then I crashed headfirst into the “invisible wall.” My life is at a standstill. It’s like being stuck in time, except I’m still aging and mind has begun withering. I can’t get a job, can’t travel freely, and can’t go back to school. But I continue to dream.

You can read the rest here.

Part Timing

2010-09-17T13:24:00.002-05:00

I am suppose to be in full school mode but I can't concentrate on anything. Every few days there is a reminder of what happened a birthday or one of his friends. I know that life should taste more fully than this, but I'm so drained. Everything tastes dull. I have so much to tell. I have no clue where to begin.

At the beginning of August (before the shit hit the fan), I took off the hijab. I didn't wear it all during vacation and for most of Ramadan. I have lost the intention and now it feels like why am I doing this anymore? During Ramadan, I started to feel more empowered like I should put it on again. I go back and forth about it. I guess the conclusion that I have come to is that I will part time it. I don't want to wear it if there is no intention to wear it for God.

I guess this is a heads up to friends, classmates, and family members. I know its a little crazy, but this is how I need to live my life to be me. I know I have written posts in the past about hijab and back then my feelings were different. I never lied once about how hard it is to wear it. It is truly a life changing decision.

I don't want to get rid of the hijab totally b/c it has in some way become a part of my identity. However, what I struggle with is that I don't want to confuse tons of people about why I take it on and off while my sister wears it wherever she goes. I feel guilty for that because they will ask her and not me why I do this and she will have to rock her brain to find a non-judgmental way to explain it. I know this to be true b/c it has happened to me many times before. "Why does she show her neck and you don't? Why does she wear 3 quarter length sleeves and you don't?" It is a way to pressure the more conservative woman to conform to liberal standards. (Often times the questioner doesn't realize that he or she is doing this).

But I digress, you are all aware that I am struggling in multiple ways. I ask for your support during these times and in my continued journey in Islam.

Thank you,

T. (aka Sharshura)

P.S. Just because I'm going part time does not mean that I am leaving the religion. And no I am not doing this because of the situation with my husband. (I would hope to think you would believe I was a stronger woman than to solely define myself by a man.)

3eid Mubarak!!!

2010-09-10T11:38:00.003-05:00

I just want to say 3eid mubarak to everyone!! This month has had a lot of changes for me and will probably be the most remembered of my life. I am very much going to miss this Ramadan. I hope you all enjoy your holiday with family, friends, and, of course, food! Remember to thank Allah (SWT) for all that you have. And do as Shaykh Faraz Rabbani says, "Make your heart smile out of contentment for your Lord."

Interpreting and Translating

2010-09-08T12:02:00.003-05:00

Tunisi has been moving out his stuff for a week. I decided that he should move out early do to things that I found that I cannot tolerate any longer. It has been very hard for me. I do not want to get divorced but I can't accept his behavior. Its been a very hard month but I realize that as this chapter closes in my life another one will open up. I just need to be patient.

My friend sent me this video to give me heart.

Why do only New Yorkers do this stuff?

2010-09-07T12:25:00.002-05:00

Yet again, some New Yorkers have thought up an amazingly awesome road trip that I am extremely jealous of.

Aman Ali and Bassam Tariq have visited a different mosque in a different state for the past month. They will conclude their trip in Dearborn at Mosque of America (by the way, the most fabulous community ever!) on the last day of Ramadan.

Here is the link to their blog 30 Mosques. They should be coming to Chicagoland soon and will be visiting Bait ul Ilm. (Maybe I can convince my friend to drive me out there again. Hmmm I'm must begin my plotting!!)

Inshallah your final days of Ramadan are amazing and if I forget to write before then Eid Mubarak to all!!!

Best Argument on Ground Zero Mosque...so far

2010-08-21T13:30:00.001-05:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Extremist Makeover - Homeland Edition

http://www.thedailyshow.com/

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

I think I broke the broom...

2010-08-20T12:06:00.004-05:00

I don't know where to begin. This month has been very hard for me. Not so much the physical fasting, that actually has been easier than in previous years, but more the emotional issues that were set off by my relationship. I will soon be separated from my husband.

Many things in my life have changed. I have been living in the denial and hope that things will get better. (They have only gotten worse.) I am leaving this relationship of four years, learning from my experience. I realized that I valued him way more than I valued myself. I was losing myself like many women do when trying to make things work and to satisfy da man. I have realize that none of that works.

I guess I am writing this more to reflect on what I have learned from the relationship than to confess that there is no relationship.

When I got married no one advised me on anything, no one really warned me. They asked me if I was sure, and of course I said yes. I said yes because I loved him (and still do), I thought that was all you needed to keep a marriage going. However, I do not believe it is true anymore. My friend told me that it doesn't matter how long you know your husband before you marry because there is always a chance that it won't work out. Its cliché but marriage is always a gamble. She said that the reason why marriage works is when two people are willing to adjust for each other and for the sake of the relationship. When one person is not willing to adjust, then the relationship fails.

Reflecting on this now, I realize that I bent over backward to make it work without even thinking to ask him to sway in any way until the end. By that point, it was too late.

El Tunisi is not a bad man. We just value different things in our lives.

This time is allowing me to reflect on what I do need from a relationship. I think I will leave that for a different post when all of this is over.

I guess I am writing this more because there are so many young girls who want to get married at the very young age of 18. Knowing what I know now, I couldn't imagine any of them be ready to get married. I know I can't speak for everyone. I know some people who got married at 18 and have a fantastic marriage!! But I have also have known girls to get married at 18 to very abusive men and end up divorcing a short time later.

I decided I wanted to get married at 19. At this age in my life, my world was being turned upside down. My father was divorcing my mother and had decided to take all of his anger from his failed marriage and put it on me. During this time, I had to move to my uncle's house to live and I lived in fear that I would have to drop out of school. My father was constantly threatening to cancel the loan that he took out so that I could go to school. He would also have a child call my cell phone and I would hear this conversation between my father and this unknown child. My father said he didn't know this was happening. My mother asked him to take my number out of his phone. I was devastated to be thrown away and replaced so easily. I was a mess and during this mess, I decided that I wanted to get married.

Everything was falling a part. I asked my dad to cancel the loan, in hopes that we could still have some semblance of a relationship. (As if the money was the main evil of the relationship instead of a symptom.) My mom and I during this time, continually begged financial aid for something. We tried to get my status changed to independent for extenuating circumstances, but that failed. The FA counselor at my school took a liking to my mom and I was able to get the aid I needed.

Every man I met or chatted with during this time, I thought was in love with. I met El Tunisi in the winter and 6 months later I decided that he was the one I was going to marry. I converted to Islam 2 weeks later. (Contrary to popular belief, I did not convert b/c of the da man. I had made a promise to God that if he made things better for me that I would convert. I had been studying Islam on my own for a year. By the way, making promises to God will be left for another post that I will, Insh'allah, do in the future.) The problem with deciding that we were going to get married so early on was that I was ignoring all the warning signs because I needed to be loved by some man in the world. (It really didn't matter whom.)

I guess this is the point I'm getting at, I wanted a man to replace my father and take care of me. Instead of wanting to have a companion, an equal, a best friend, I wanted someone to give me what I never had. When I see these 18 year old girls, and honestly, I am thinking of one in particular, who are just beginning to know their power as women and not as children; I think to myself why is she rushing? Why can't she wait until she is AT LEAST done with school? At 18, I was like grass in the wind. I swayed with whoever or whatever was influencing me because I didn't know a millimeter of who I was. I believe most 18 year olds are in the same boat.

When I see these girls, I want to shake them and ask them what their fantasy of marriage is. Because in reality for most of them it is just that a fantasy. They don't realize how complicated it is and how much pain you can go through for love. Believe me, there are amazing things about being married that I don't think you can ever get by being friends or dating. However, if you are getting married open your eyes to who this man has always been because he will most likely continue to be that way. Think about if you are happy with the core of who he is and vise versa. Don't wait until after marriage to have the conversation about these things for the simple fact that you want to be a married woman. Think beyond the title and beyond the party. Try to imagine the hard times. Is he going to be there with you or is he going to withdraw into his own depression? And always ask married and divorced women why they got married. I think it is the best way to figure out the reality before you jumping into it.

Yes, that will be my rant for the day. Please make du'a for me and keep me in your thoughts. I need your strength. Thank you to all who have been there for me during this hard time and for all of those who have picked up my phone calls to hear my sobbing. I realize that I have a much bigger family then I knew.

Life in a day

2010-08-12T21:01:00.003-05:00

The beauty of Ramadan really hit me today, when I broke fast. Its like you are living your entire life in 1 day. You start your fast full with eyes half open as the day begins. Then time goes on and you struggle. You fight yourself. You succeed or you fail, but you always return to God. Just when you think you can't take it anymore, it's time to break fast. Its like you open your eyes fully for the very first time. Everthing comes into perspective. Life doesn't look so impossible anymore.

God is good.

Ramadan Mubarak!

2010-08-10T21:51:00.002-05:00

We have once again embarked on this amazing journey. I hope your Ramadan is full of joy, iman, and blessing. Insh'Allah our prayers and fasts be accepted during this month.

Ummm...yeah

2010-08-09T19:26:00.002-05:00

So I made this whole prep plan for Ramadan and I totally didn't follow any of it. We'll see how this goes... :~P

Stories of the decision to wear or not to wear Hijab

2010-07-19T14:48:00.003-05:00

I thought this would be interesting. I was thinking of this all this morning. Before I wore hijab, I was too afraid to ask sister why they put it on. I know most sisters would say they wear it for God. However, I would love to hear the story of what led up to you making that decision. I would also like to hear the same for sisters that took off the hijab or actively decided to never wear it.

I think we all assume people's reasoning to do things and judge others for why they do it or not.

So i guess I'll make this simple:

Why did you decide to wear or not wear hijab?

Who or what situations influenced you?

Who were your supports in making your decision and sticking with it?

Did you ever question the decision that you made?

How would you advise other sisters on making this decision?

If you want, you can tell your story in the comments section or to keep yourself anonymous, you could e-mail me at sharshura @ hotmail.com. I will post your story but no one will know who you are or where you are from.

Clearly, I know I don't have a lot of readers so please pass this on to your friends.

Who Doesn't Love the Egyptians?

2010-07-10T09:36:00.003-05:00

I just finished the first book in the Cairo Trilogy, Palace Walk, by Nobel Prize winning author Naguib Mahfouz. I love this book and now plan to attempt to finish the whole trilogy. This should take me a while since these books are at least 500 pages long each.

I was going through my mind of why I love this book and I realized that it was for the exact same reason that I love Alaa al-Aswany's books, there is a realism to the books that I don't see much in others' writing. All the characters for the most part get what they want in the end, even though it might not exactly be in the way they wanted. Isn't that the way of life? Isn't that how God grants all of our wishes?

As I thought of this, I started thinking about the characters of each book and comparing them to each other. I thought of Fahmy the young revolutionary activist trying to end the British occupation to Taha who wanted to be an officer and support the government until he realized that the establishment was corrupt and injust. Both of these men had first loves that they did not end up marrying. Fahmy was infatuated with Maryam who revealed herself to him on the roof while Taha was in love with his fiance, Busayna. Both the girls lost their fathers and then had to fall from grace. Even though Busayna and Maryam's situations were similar, Busayna was the more developed character. I think this how we can compare modern times to the past. Modern times reveal the reasons why our angels fall from grace while the past just views the angels as living in a disguise trying to hide their prostitutes' hearts. In the end the only ones who live long and well (the dunya) are Yasin/Zaki and al-Sayed Ahmed/Hagg Azzam.

Is this what al-Aswany wanted? Or this how Egyptians literature is in general? The characters of the out play boy, the playboy in the disguise of a religious man, the fallen angel, and the martyr. Are these always in Egyptian literature? Or was this done on purpose to compare the injustices of today with those of yesterday and show that we have continued to repeat history several times over?

There are very few books that are as thought provoking as these and even fewer that inspire me to write. Mash'Allah. I love Egyptian writers!

If anyone has any more suggestions of Arab writers please comment below. I would love to see if this trend is only in Egypt or across the Arab world.

Just Another Day at the Bus Stop

2010-07-02T17:16:00.004-05:00

It confuses me when Desis speak Arabic to me. All I understood was fee and Sheridan.

Desi Uncle: Are you Arab?

Me: No

DU: Are you Spanish?

Me: No

DU: What are you?...

Me: I'm mixed.

DU: Mixed with Arab and what?

Me: I'm not Arab. Im Italian, Indian, German, and Russian.

DU: So why do you wear that scarf?

ME: I'm Muslim

DU: So you know asalaama alaikum, Kaf il hal, allahu akbar

ME: Yes

DU: Do you go to the mosque?

ME: Yes

DU: Good.

A few minutes later.

DU: So what is your name...Aisha?

ME: No, its just (Real Desi name inserted here).

Preparing for Ramadan

2010-06-26T14:13:00.003-05:00

Yes, Ramadan is not until the middle of August. I feel a need to start prepping myself early because of how unspiritual my last Ramadan was. I refuse to allow depression to get in my way this year.

I am trying to get my body and my mind in shape for the fast. This what I have done so far. I have given up coffee. (Which for me is a big deal because if I don't have it I get bad headaches). I have also started to read surah al Kahf every Friday and if I cannot make it to Jummah for whatever reason, I resolve to listen to Islamic lectures online as well as take notes on them.

I have listened to two lectures out of a series on negative suffering (extremely beneficial since I still haven't gotten totally out of my depression):

Series 1: http://www.al-masumeen.com/lectures/khalil-jaffer/the-end-of-negative-suffering-series-1

Series 2:http://www.al-masumeen.com/lectures/khalil-jaffer/the-end-of-negative-suffering-series-2

Goals:

For the Rest of June:

Get my prayer back on track - pray consistently and on time or as close to on time as possible (Fajar prayer has always been difficult for me)
Begin to make my portion sizes of food smaller

July:

Start to read a little Qur'an everyday
Give up caffeine totally (including tea and pop)
Continue making portion sizes smaller
Fast a few days during this month to prepare my body for the longer days of fasting
Get back into the routine of memorizing Qur'an and Du'a (I memorized a du'a today! Yay!)
By the end of the month give up music and listen to Qur'an or nasheed more
Start to lessen the amount of TV I watch
Create Menu for Suhoor and Iftar!!!

August (week before Ramadan begins):

Grocery shop and buy anything necessary before the month begins
Make sure to calculate how much I owe in zakat

Insha'Allah I will stick to my goals and I will have a wonderful Ramadan as I wish all of you the same.

Here are 2 very good articles about the preparation for our most blessed month:

This article is written for women especially those who are married and recent converts: http://www.missionislam.com/ramadan/prepare.htm

This is a part of a UK blog called Haq Islam. There are a couple of good articles on here that I recommend going through: http://www.haqislam.org/preparing-for-ramadan/

Please make du'a (prayer) for me and my journey on becoming a better Musilmah.

What are your goals in preparing for Ramadan? Have you thought of what your spiritual goals during the month will be?

Sick!

2010-06-24T10:34:00.001-05:00

How did I get this nasty flu in the middle of June?!?!?!

uhhhh...yuck!!

Le adoro!

2010-06-18T15:23:00.000-05:00

Please Make Du'a

2010-06-15T09:40:00.003-05:00

A friend sent me this e-mail last night about ethnic cleansing of Uzbek Muslims. Please make du'a for them.

Assalamu alaikum my dear sisters!!!

I am writing you tonight, asking you all to please remember our Uzbek Muslim brothers and sisters in Islaam who have been struck by the tragedy of ethnic cleansing in the city of Osh and Jalal Abad, in Kyrgyzstan. Nothing that you read in the news tells the real story or depicts the real tragedy of what is happening there. My mother is an ethnic Uzbek who was born and raised in the city of Osh. 90% of my maternal family still resides there. After 4 agonizing days of trying to reach them by phone to ensure that they are ok, and to make sure we didn't lose anyone, my mother was able to reach her youngest sister. They are trapped inside their house near the border, over hundred people hiding inside a small house. We still cannot find out what happened to my mother's cousins, and my third cousin who was inside the city when the violence broke out is still missing. Whether they are dead or alive is unknown and won't be known until peace is restored.

There are hundreds of thousands of people who have no access to food, have shortage of water resources, and many more who are still trapped inside the city as the war is raging. The atrocities are unimaginable! Rape of women and girls, slaughter of innocent, burning of properties including the masjids built by Uzbeks.

Please, pray for the safety of these innocent victims!!! Please keep them in your duas, and ask those who you know to pray too! I fear for the safety of my loved ones.

Questions from a Stranger (2 years of Hijab)

2010-05-28T21:04:00.002-05:00

I was reading Qur’an in the masjid before jummah when this girl scoots over to me and says, “Can I ask you a weird question?”

I nod my head and she says “Is it haram to have a boyfriend?”

I was a little in shock and had to ask if she was asking a real question and not a question to fill out a survey for class. (We have a couple of colleges around the masjid.) I was in shock because people usually do not ask me religious questions that are Muslim and especially not wearing hijab.

I said to me it depends on what the intensions of the relationship were (marriage) and that they weren’t really doing anything else but talking. I know some of you would say right off the bat that boyfriends and girlfriends are haram, but if they aren’t doing anything sexual and they are just trying to see if they want to get married, then what is the harm? They just want to put a label on the relationship that shows a certain level of seriousness between them.

Of course, this wasn’t enough for the girl. Apparently her boyfriend drinks, does drugs, and is pressuring her to do more. She is not unlike any other American teenage girl dealing with a self involved teenage boy. They both have no intentions of marrying each other. I asked her what was the point of having him in her life because clearly if he is doing drugs (especially the hard ones) he is not thinking about anyone but himself and won’t be thinking of marriage for a long time. This didn’t bother her. I told her she could be friends with him, which she brushed off right away. I basically told her that her life is short and that she is wasting her time with him.

In the end, she said that she didn’t think boyfriends were haram (in true teenage fashion).
Clearly, she was feeling guilty or she wouldn’t have asked a stranger for advice in the first place. I understand that it is hard to be Muslim in America. I understand that both identities contradict each other, but this is our jihad (finding a balance to it all).

I question myself everyday whether I should wear hijab or not. Life would be simpler without it, but the same question arises, what would God think? The only reason hijab is hard for me is due to the immense amount of discrimination that I face directly and indirectly on a daily basis. However, for the last 2 days, there have been conversations that have shown me that I should still wear hijab.

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with a coworker about discrimination I faced from someone else at an event that I had a huge part in putting on. I told her I have spent the last 3 months working on this, and 5 minutes of discrimination made me want to throw it all away and leave. I had to give myself a minute, look in the mirror and remind myself of who I am and what I am about. This lady and her ignorance mean nothing.

My friend told me that she likes that I wear hijab and that she doesn’t want me to take it off. She says that when she is with me, she wants to put on the scarf too. However, she knows she is not there yet. She says that she sees that I am more respected and she sees when I’m uncomfortable from the discrimination I face. When she sees this happen, she says she wants to pull out a scarf and put it on to show them who she really is. She says that it is beautiful that I show my religion in such a public way. When she goes to the mall and she sees Muslims girls, she feels the need to say salaam to identify herself with them.

My friend has been Muslim all her life and she looks up to me a Muslim of 4 years. I know this might not mean much to those who are reading, but if you are a convert, you will understand that I always feel like I’m playing catch up in terms of knowledge and practice of the deen. As well as that feeling that some people don’t regard you as a “real” Muslim because you converted. I have never been touched by one single person as I was by her. She gave me strength.

She made me realize that I need to keep the scarf on. I know I wear it for it God. However, I realize that I represent more than myself now. I realize that I am humanizing and contradicting what people’s misconceptions of what a Muslim woman are.

I find it very hard to deal with the stereotype of the Muslimah as submissive. I am a leader amongst my peers and I have no problem leading groups of people who are older than me. When there are discussions, I almost always put my two cents in. I always put 110% into everything I do (except for housework lol). I never plan to be the woman that stays at home and that is taken care of. I idealize Khadija for the independent woman she is. I love that she is a great mother, business woman, and equal to her husband. She has been though so much even before the revelation and was still able to be successful and progressive within a society that did not value a woman so much so that they buried their baby girls alive (Islam came and changed that). Khadija to me is a revolutionary even before the revolution and I hope that I can follow in her foot steps.

June 9th will be 2 years of wearing hijab. It has been hard and at times I believed that I wasn’t strong enough, but its about more than just me. I need to suffer so that my daughter won’t. I need to be myself (to the fullest) to help represent the diverse face of Islam in America.

Saudi Arabia on MTV

2010-05-26T12:28:00.002-05:00

So when did MTV come up with programming like this? I thought they were solely about Jersey Shore type stuff.

Let me know what you think. Especially if you are Saudi or Khaleeji!

True Life - MTV Shows

MISSING PERSON: ZAIN NAQI

2010-05-23T09:26:00.003-05:00

Zain Naqi

22 year old

college senior @ Roosevelt University

Drives a 2000 Honda Civic 4 door, dark green color

Plate number: A19 5471

5'6"

Wears glasses

He has been missing since May 1st. If you have any information about his wear abouts please contact the Elk Grove Police Department @ (847) 357-4100.

Here is more information according to an event looking for him:

Family Awaits Word on Missing StudentZain Naqi, 22, Disappeared From Chicago's North Side After Texting His Father 'Good-bye'

Elk Grove, IL—An Elk Grove Village college senior has disappeared and police and his family are asking for help to find him.

Syed “Zain” Naqi is a Roosevelt University senior studying political science. He had been looking forward to graduating in December to pursue a career in politics. Now, his parents are just hoping to see him alive.

"I just want a phone call from you, Zain," Ruqia Naqi, Zain's mother, said. "Just call me and tell me you're OK."

Her 22-year-old son, Zain, has been missing now for more than ten days.

Zain’s father, Syed Naqi, also pleads to know his son is safe: "We love you so much, Zain. Please come back.”

Zain was last seen on the evening of May 1 at Rebel Bar and Grill at 3462 N. Clark Street on Chicago’s north side. After finishing with his friends, Zain texted his father at around 11 p.m. to say he was leaving to meet his family at a party. When his son didn't show up, Naqi texted his son again only to get a disturbing response: "Good-bye, Dad."

Zain was last seen wearing a black, striped, long-sleeved, button-down shirt and blue jeans. Naqi's dark green four-door 2000 Honda Civic is also missing. It has Illinois plates A19 5471.

None of Zain’s credit cards or bank accounts have been accessed since his disappearance and his phone is either turned off or dead. His friends and family have not heard from him. Even his Facebook page and email accounts are untouched.

Although no clues have been found, detectives have not ruled out foul play. The Naqis are appealing to anyone who might have information about their missing son."

If they know any whereabouts of Zain, please come forward," Ruqia Naqi said. "Please come forward."

Elk Grove Village police ask that any information about Zain Naqi's whereabouts should be directed to them at (847) 357-4100.

UPDATE: Please recite surah Fatiha for Zain. He was found in Belmont Harbour in his car, I believe the afternoon I posted this.

Burden

2010-05-15T19:11:00.001-05:00

Pain in. Pain out. Every breath feels like daggers. Her mind is heavy and cloudy as she sits in the chair thick curls sticking to the wetness on her face.

“I’m a burden,” is all she can say. She says it out and to herself like a mantra. “I’m a burden.” She has been told this her entire life but didn’t think it was true until today. Her moods shift like the winds. This mood will pass like all the others. Everyone will just chalk it up to being dramatic but the clouds never truly go away.

Leyla sits there breathing in and out. She has tried everything from meditation to kick boxing nothing seems to stick.

“I’m a burden.”

Leyla walks out to the balcony looks down and feels the same anxiety and nervousness that she always does when it comes to heights.

“I’m a burden.”

She looks out to her alley view and watches how the sun changes the shadows on the fire escapes.

“I’m a burden.”

Leyla wiggles her toes to ward off the numbness of the cold. She breathes in the icy breeze that has replaced the painful dagger. She shivers.

“I’m a burden.”

The tears roll down her face once again. Her eyes feel the pain mixed with the strain coming from the sunlight.

“I’m a burden.”

The headache begins, the one that can only be cured with coffee. That is the only medication she is willing try. That is the only addiction she cannot recover from.

“I’m a burden.”

The mug warms her hands. The liquid burns her esophagus embracing her heart with the closest thing she has ever felt akin to love.

“I’m a burden.”

Leyla, lady of the night. Leyla. Leyla. Leyla. She moves her head from side to side. Leyla. Leyla. Leyla. No, this is not a dream. No it’s not in her head.

“LEYLA!”

Her eyes open slowly; slightly sticking together from God knows what. Everything is blurry. She feels no pain.

“Leyla!”

She tries to breathe in and out deeply, but realizes that she is not doing this by herself. She has never felt so relaxed in her life. No pain, finally, no pain.

“She’s waking up!”

The blurriness in her eyes starts to become refined images. She thinks to move her head, it’s just that, a thought. Nothing moves. All she can see are the white tiles of the ceiling.

“Leyla, why?”

She blinks her eyes trying to let go of the burning in her eyes. Nothing drops out. Nothing works out.

I’m a burden.

Moody

2010-05-15T17:18:00.004-05:00

I write this sobbing at my desk. I'm going through another mood that no one can understand. My mom says medication. B says don't be sad. All I know is that I'm a burden. No one seems to be happy with me. I try to help people and all I do is screw it up because I can't even help myself. Maybe social work isn't such a good idea. I would probably hinder more than help others. How can I be a benefit to anyone like this?

US: Arizona Violating Human Rights Treaty

2010-05-03T11:52:00.002-05:00

A new and interesting take on how this law needs to be repealed!

US: Arizona Violating Human Rights Treaty

New Immigration Law Contrary to Binding International Anti-Racism Measure
April 30, 2010

(San Francisco) - Arizona's new immigration law violates an international anti-racism treaty that is binding on all government officials in the United States, Human Rights Watch said today.

Key provisions of the "Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act," enacted by Arizona on April 23, 2010, conflict with the International Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination, which the United States ratified in 1994, Human Rights Watch said.

"LWL - living while Latino - has become hazardous in Arizona," said Alison Parker, US director at Human Rights Watch. "Arizona's governor and law enforcement officials should know that with this law, they are violating an international treaty."

Under the new law, police officers will be empowered to stop and interrogate any person whom they "reasonably suspect" might be in the United States illegally. The law includes provisions allowing Arizona residents who believe the local police are not enforcing the law vigorously enough to sue a city or town. As a result, police officers will be under pressure to make an arrest, even when in doubt, rather than risk a lawsuit, resulting in wrongful arrests and unfair enforcement, Human Rights Watch said.

Read more here!

CNN Coverage on the Arizona's Controvercial New Law

2010-04-29T11:17:00.001-05:00

Does anyone know what came about with the fact check that they talked about at the end?

Colbert and Stewart weigh in on SB1070

2010-04-29T10:26:00.002-05:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

The Word - No Problemo

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Fox News

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Law & Border

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

Arizona has broken my heart!

2010-04-28T09:50:00.003-05:00

If you haven't heard already, AZ's govenor has gotten a law passed called SB 1070. This will make it so that if any officer suspects that you are in the United States illegally, they have right to ask for some type of papers proving that you are a citizen or some other form of identification saying that you can stay here. Basically this law legitimates the practices of racial profiling. It also reinforces a very controversial aspect of immigration law (which I HATE!) discretion, meaning that it is a judgment call based on one person's opinion whether you have a right to live here or not. There is no way to check in this case if that one person has any prejudices against certain populations. When you see a bunch of people calling for immigration reform a lot of them asking for it because of this issue.

The Obama administration has pretty much done nothing except say the law is disgraceful. This administration has actually deported and separated more families than that of Bush. Obama pretty much has ignored the topic of immigration and it doesn't look like he will be turning his head to see the MASSIVE problem he has allowed to take shape under his rule.

The average citizen can do something. If we all do just a little bit then it could change the course of this hate law and others still lying on the table to take effect.

If you are in Chicago, there will be protest on May 1st at 1pm in Union Park. If you want more information on this please, call 773-463-0311.

You can also boycott AZ financially. Someone on Facebook posted this note on the companies that are based in or support AZ:

Boycott Arizona... here's how: A basic consumer guide

Cartoon by Lalo Alcaraz

(full disclosure: I have not heard any of the national immigrant and/or Latino organizations taking on the task of informing the community of which businesses/organizations to target, so I did a quick websearch and found what I found that the average consumer outside of Arizona might be able to use. This list is not comprehensive, nor is it as strategic as it needs to be. Apologies in advance... -Joel)

Greetings friends and allies,

In the wake of the recent adoption into law of SB1070 by the State of Arizona today (04.23.2010), one of the most draconian anti-immigration laws ever in the United States, many people have called for a boycott of the State of Arizona, including southwest Arizona Congressman Raúl Grijalva. Personally, I haven't been to Arizona in five years and do not plan on going there any time soon. I created this list to give folks/average consumers outside of Arizona a chance to show their disgust with the passage of this racist legislation by boycotting the following, Arizona-based companies.

2011 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, Location: Chase Field, Phoenix, AZ

Apollo Group (University of Phoenix). Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona

Arizona Diamondbacks, Location: Phoenix, Arizona

Best Western International, Inc., Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona

Cold Stone Creamery. Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona

CSK Auto (Checker Auto Parts, Schucks Auto Supply, Kragen Auto Parts, Murray's Discount Auto Stores), Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona

Dial Corporation, Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona

Discount Tire Company (America's Tire Company). Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona

Fender Musical Instruments Corporation, Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona

Go Daddy. Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona

Grand Canyon

Mesa Air Group (Mesa Airlines, Go!, Freedom Airlines). Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona

P. F. Chang's China Bistro. Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona

PetSmart. Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona

Sky Mall, Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona

Taser International, Headquarters: Scottsdale, Arizona

U-Haul. Headquarters: Phoenix, Arizona

US Airways. Headquarters: Tempe, Arizona

It would be helpful to also target the political contributors to Arizona State Senator Russell Pearce and Governor Jan Brewer. I unfortunately do not have that capacity but would welcome others in this endeavour.

Also, encourage your local municipalities to take action. Ask your elected officials to follow the lead of the City of San Francisco and boycott and begin to divest in the State of Arizona. According to SF Supervisor David Campos, "We encourage other cities to join San Francisco. Together we can work to restore justice in our nation."

For more information on companies that do business in Arizona and actions to take against this racist, anti-immigrant legislation, please click on the following links:

Arizona’s Largest Employers (JobBank USA)

FORTUNE 500 by State (CNN)

List of Arizona companies (Wikipedia)

List of corporations in Phoenix (Wikipedia)

BOYCOTT ARIZONA ! – Contact These Companies and Hit ‘Em Where It Hurts (The Seminal)

"Boycott the Police State known as Arizona" Facebook Group

Immigrant Rights

VivirLatino

ACLU Arizona

Coalición de Derechos Humanos

National Network for Immigrant and Refugee Rights

This note has no permission restrictions on it so please forward far and wide and share it with your networks, friends, and family.

¡Adelante!

Wuthering Heights

2010-04-15T09:21:00.003-05:00

Mom: That's why its called a classic because everybody likes it.

I finished Wuthering Heights last night. It has been a long time since I have loved a book so much. I might eventually buy it. (I borrowed it from the library.)

I love Wuthering Heights because of the complexity of all characters big and small. Mr. Lockwood who at small parts is the narrator, but most of the time is the avid listener to Ellen Dean, is complex in himself. He shows jealousy at the end when he realizes that he will never make Mrs. Catherine Heathciff his, even though he never tried when he had a chance.

Honestly, I don't want to write a review of this book because I'm sure that has been done an infinite number times before. I want to talk about Hareton. Out of everyone in the book, I most identified him with myself. Maybe that was the point of the author to make us see that in some ways we are all like Heathcliff. Yet, I feel more. I have been that one that was neglected by my father. I have been that one that has been made fun of because of my limits at academics. (I have dyslexia.) I have been told that I am worthless and that I will not amount to anything.

When I was 9 years old, I went in for testing because of my dyslexia. I have to do this at least every 3 years to get accommodations at school. The doctor that tested me told my parents that I was too retarded to go to college and to start prepping me for trade school. Clearly, my mother was irate about this. I never went to that doctor again. I was also never told about the incident until recently. However, I was told in other ways by other people the same thing.

I think my dad believed that doctor. He did whatever he could to prevent me from going and eventually tried to prevent me from completing my degree. It has been the struggle that has kept me going all these years. Yes like Heathcliff my revenge was to get my degree and show all my nay sayers that I am a part of that sacred class that no thought I should be a part of. And like Heathcliff once I obtained it, it never felt enough.

I am beginning my master's in the fall. I am excited about it. It is what I want to do with my life, but there is still that sense of struggle for me. I have that drive within myself to go all the way and obtain my PhD. Partly because I want to and partly because I want to show others who I am. In the end, I know that it won't mean anything. In the end, I know that I won't feel accomplished and that I will still feel something lacking in my life. But its an addiction in myself, in my physical being, that I cannot withdraw from.

Even the people that thought I was nothing when I was younger and now want to be my companions in my adult life, it doesn't mean anything to me. Maybe its daddy issues again. I know if we started talking again, I will never get that approval.

Yet, I don't know if I will ever be able to give it to myself. This all needs more reflection and time.

The reason I say I'm more like Hareton than like Heathcliff is that I allow myself to be loved and allow myself to enjoy that love. I see Heathcliff as my father. He had so many people that loved him and he pushed them all away until he is close to being absolutely alone. I know at my father's funeral it will probably just be me and my sister. We will be the only ones that come that are related and not just present acquaintances.

Read Wuthering Heights because you'll start to see pieces of yourself in many of the characters. It has made me reflect deeply and continues to.

Foto Credit

Thinking of Poets

2010-04-14T17:36:00.002-05:00

Why did I...?
...give it all up...
For what purpose...?
I keep saying the same word...
Why?

No answers
I'm empty
I'm out.

Can I be regained?
Was I ever obtained?

Why?
Why did I...?

Chicago Photography

2010-04-09T17:55:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking of this for a while, I am going to start to put up photos of Chicago. Not the usual photos of downtown, the musuems, and the sports stadiums but the beautiful architure and random things that happen in the not so touristy hoods of the city. A lot of people from the outside believe that nothing good can happen in these neighborhoods. I want to show the true beuaty of the city that gave birth to me, raised me, and that I love so much. Every picture I take will state the neighborhood or the cross section of where it is from. Most of the photographs will probably come from my neighborhood because I'm here all the time.

On top of it all, this gives me an excuse to take long walks for absolutely no reason at all. I would post a photograph today, but my carmera battery is dead and currently charging. Inshallah tomorrow I will my first post for this project.

Ciao,

~S~

P.S. I will continue to make random posts along with this project.

Simply Too Many Hats

2010-04-04T17:26:00.002-05:00

I think as an American woman, I definitely over extend myself. I take on so many different rolls in my personal and professional life without leaving any time for myself. I feel like thats why I and so many other women I know have anxiety attacks.

I want to be a part of everything, but I realize that that is not realistic for myself. Its hard to figure out what to say no to. What if it gives me great experience and becomes an asset for me in my future? What if I make awesome connections? And on the other side, what am I missing out on if I do this? Will my friends really be there if I lose contact with them for a year and then suddenly return when I have time for them? I have a lot of figuring out to do.

When I was in my AmeriCorps orientation at the beginning of the year, we wrote out goals for ourselves. My top one was to find balance in my life. Clearly, I'm still struggling with that one. But at least this year, I realize that it is a problem.

Any advice is more than welcome!

Finally Caved in to Peer Pressure.

2010-04-03T16:40:00.003-05:00

I'm on Twitter...and I need friends. Search YallahSharshura.

Foto Credit

Sh. Rabbani is Awesome!

2010-04-02T12:23:00.004-05:00

I was randomly looking about things about Islam, Hijab, and the Hanafi school and I came upon one of Sh. Rabbani's articles on SunniPath.

This is my favorite quote:

Wisdom is needed. But wisdom cannot be confused with accepting wrong. We should still hate this disobedience of the command of Allah in our hearts, but figure out the best, most effective way to change things. A good place is ourselves. The reason that Muslim “awakenings” don’t often have much impact on those around is that whose who awaken to religious practice quickly become heedless of themselves and turn to bash everyone else into imaginary Islamic molds.

Had they only worked on themselves, their light would have shown other[s] the way without much need for words.

You can read the whole article here.

The Fear of Muslim Men

2010-03-31T12:07:00.003-05:00

This is totally not the post you think its going to be. It has nothing to do with the general stereo types of Muslim men that go on internationally.

My question is why do we (as Muslim women) fear Muslim men?

I was reading a post by Organica about her ideal mosque that she wants to create. (To read just click) I began to read the comments and one stuck out to me. I have heard many other people men and women say this before that the reason why women are to pray behind men is so that men don't look at the women. I personally don't understand why we don't assume that Muslim men have good hearts. I also don't understand why people never seen think that Muslim women are looking just as much as the men.

I honestly can't prevent someone from looking at me more over from imagining me in some way. So please don't lock me in a basement or some non-air conditioned area where the speakers don't work to well and I can't hear the khutbah. If you have issues with your eyes then you need to ask God to help you be strong. We are all responsible for ourselves.

I guess what I am trying to say in way too many words is that as a community, why can't we believe that our men have good intentions at that a glance is just merely a glance? On that note as well, if their intentions are not good, why do I have to fix the problem and not them?

Someone hacked into my gmail!!!

2010-03-19T09:01:00.002-05:00

Someone hacked into my gmail and sent an email to all my contact saying that I was in Scotland and to send money. For the record, I am not in Scotland and probably never will be!! DO NOT SEND MONEY OR EVEN RESPOND TO THAT EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!!

This is super embarrassing because I have had contacts in that account ranging back 5 years. Some are friends, classmates, bosses, professors, etc. I am angry about this and on top of it all, I am sick. BOO

I wanted to send out a mass email saying sorry but since I told gmail that someone hacked into my account (changing my password!!!), they deleted all my contacts. I am happy google responded to this quickly!

For the record if you were one of those contacts, I am EXTREMELY sorry!! I almost never ask for money and I would NEVER ask for it through an e-mail with a random address attached to it.

THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING!!!!!!!!!

Song Obsession: Halili by Cheb Mami and Elissa

2010-03-18T13:47:00.000-05:00

Its My Dad's Birthday....

2010-03-17T13:00:00.002-05:00

I want to call, but I don't. Too much has happened. Would he even care? Does he even think of me? He doesn't even know my birthday. Why am I doing this to myself? He never wanted me.

That's the truth.

But I always wanted him.

How can a man so easily forget his child? Why am I so disposable?

Everyone I know thinks I'm an amazing person except for him.

I want to call, but I don't. Its not like he'll care in the end anyway.

Not as cool as the first two, but Im still going to see it!

2010-03-15T21:43:00.004-05:00

Did they change the actress for Victoria?

My Childhood Dream is Being Lived by Someone Else

2010-03-15T13:55:00.003-05:00

At least part of it is.

Everyone should check out this blog:

Trans World Expedition

This guy road tripping the world (litterally) and is blogging and posting AMAZING pictures along the way.

Shoes = Hijabs

2010-03-14T18:18:00.006-05:00

When my feet hurt from my shoes and it is ruining my shopping experience; I buy new ones.

When my hijab is old and disintergrating off my head as I shop; I buy a new one.

A girl can't have too many shoes nor scarves. :~)

P.S. I have my internet back up at home so I will most likely be posting more. Yay!!

Photo Credit

Learning to Drive

2010-03-14T18:12:00.003-05:00

As I pull into park...

Mom: AHHH
Me: What?!
Mom: I had a premonition that you were going to crash into the parking box!

Later that night...

Mom: Yeah my premonitions usually don't come true.

Can't you tell my mom has true confidence in my capabilities?

...fasting...

2010-03-10T13:29:00.004-06:00

So I'm trying to make up all my fasts before the time changes and dusk won't occur until 8pm. It has always been harder for me to fast when it is outside of Ramadan. Its hard to create that Ramadan spirit all by myself. It is because of this spirit that it is easier for me to fast albeit with the exception of last Ramadan.

Last Ramadan, I was really depressed and I let it get in the way of my own spiritual growth. I fasted all the days meaning I didn't eat or drink anything during the allotted times, but as for focusing more Qur'an, prayer, and knowledge of the deen I had let that go. I feel like depression in itself is a disease. I remember not being able to get up out of bed. I remember hours would go by without me doing a thing and then I would think where did the time go!!!

Alhumdulillah I'm in a much better place now and I'm looking forward to when Ramadan comes around again. I feel like these make up fasts have been the best make up fasts that I have had since I have become Muslim.

I am so happy that I am in better place now, and I have Allah (s.w.t.) to thank for that.

As for other parts of my life, I'm now on a hunt for as much scholarship money as I can find to be able to start my master in social work in the fall. If you know you know of any, please let me know. So far I have found that a lot of the dead lines have passed. :~( But at least I know about them for next year.

I'm a 4 year old Muslim.

2010-03-03T14:06:00.003-06:00

I have not written in forever. Sometimes life just gets away from me.

I recently moved and ever since I have really been enjoying life. Al-hamdulillah. Spring is coming soon and everything is opening again. Its amazing how light an weather changes my mood. I will be happy when all the snow is gone.

My main goal this month is to make up all my fasts from Ramadan. I have made up two already and I would have been fasting today, but I woke up too late. :~P I'm one of those people that needs to eat suhoor or I won't be able to get through the day. Oh well, I'll try not to make the same mistake tomorrow.

Today is my conversion birthday. I keep forgetting even though I'm celebrating tonight with my friend (it is her bday). Converting was one decision that I will never regret and that I didn't go back and forth about making.

God is good!

Learning to be Gradual and Not Go to Extremes

2010-02-07T20:20:00.003-06:00

I love this article below. I always feel like I'm playing catch up since I'm a convert. I always feel like I'm overwhelmed with fard and wajib things I need to do. I did not grow up with this religion so it takes time to have my life truly revolve around it. I love my religion and reading articles like this makes me feel ok. I am not perfect but I am still trying to be consistent at the things I do.

The Aim, Purpose, and Consequence of Consistent Spiritual Routines - Imam al-Haddad, with Commentary from Faraz Rabbani

In the Name of Allah, the Benevolent, the Merciful. May Allah’s blessings and peace be upon His Beloved Messenger, his companions and folk.

Imam Abdallah ibn Alawi al-Haddad (Allah have mercy on him) (d.1132 Hijri) said,

‘The aim and spirit of spiritual routines (awrad) is presence with Allah.

Aim for it; you will reach it only if you travel the road that leads to it, which is performing the external activities and striving to be present with Allah during them. When you persevere in this you become immersed in the lights of Proximity, and the sciences of gnosis emanate upon you, at which your heart becomes wholly intent on God and presence becomes its nature and well-established quality.’

[The Book of Assistance]

Commentary on Imam Haddad’s Saying

A wird (plural: awrad) is any regular routine of worship, such as prayer, remembrance (dhikr), supplication (dua), fasting, and so on. One can also consider regular routines of religious study and reading to be a wird.

It is sunna to be consistent in one’s works; to take on only as much as one can sustain with excellence, without feeling overwhelmed; to focus not only on actions, but on excellence in one’s actions; and to strive for gradual, meaningful increase that is sustainable.

Prophetic Guidance on Consistency and its Consequence

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Take from actions that which you can sustain, for verily Allah doesn’t tire until you tire.” [Bukhari & Muslim, from A'isha (Allah be pleased with her)]

Read more click here!

Men are dirty

2010-02-07T15:05:00.002-06:00

"Is this Amina?" - Dude

"You have the wrong number." - me

"Who is this?" - Dude

"You have the wrong number" - me

"Well, can I talk to you then?" - dude

"You want to me when you know its the wrong number," me click. "Thats pathetic."

Can someone answer me this. Why are men so wierd/desperate?

7 things about me

2010-01-31T18:46:00.002-06:00

I'm so bad about this kind of stuff but I might as well try it. I was tagged by Mimisha. Ok, so this what I am suppose to do. I'm suppose to tag the person that tagged me and 7 others. The whole point of this is that I will tell 7 things about myself.

1) I am excited to say that in the fall that I will get my master's in social work. I might go all the way and get my PhD. Although it would not be in social work. However, before starting my master's, its all to early to say.

2) My one year aniversary with da Tunisi (btw I have given him so many aliases that I don't remember which one I'm currently using.) is on Sunday. Inshallah we will actually do something. He mentioned couscous which I haven't had in...well, since our wedding. I'm excited.

3) I suck at math and therefore I will never do my own taxes. :~P

4) I love kids but I don't know if I will ever have my own. I have a fear that I will serious screw up my own. My mother says this won't happen or won't be out the ordinary compared to how everyone else's parents screw them up. This is not comforting.

5) I am in my second year of AmeriCorps. The first year wasn't so good, but the second I have learned so much about myself and gained so many new skills. I am very grateful for this.

6) I am very annoyed with text and instant messaging. Especially with people that would rather fight with me via these two modes rather than to my face or over the phone.

7) Every week I write to a special someone in a distant village in Cameroon. (She is a Peace Corps volunteer.)

By the way I'll add an 8th and say that I am a very lazy person at this. I will tag whoever I am currently following as well as whoever is reading this post. Enjoy! :~D

Country Without a Net

2010-01-14T12:39:00.003-06:00

Amazing Op-Ed on Haiti. It gives you a deeper look on why the earth quake was such a horrible disaster for this country.

Country Without a Net

By TRACY KIDDER
Published: January 13, 2010

THOSE who know a little of Haiti’s history might have watched the news last night and thought, as I did for a moment: “An earthquake? What next? Poor Haiti is cursed.”

But while earthquakes are acts of nature, extreme vulnerability to earthquakes is manmade. And the history of Haiti’s vulnerability to natural disasters — to floods and famine and disease as well as to this terrible earthquake — is long and complex, but the essence of it seems clear enough.

Haiti is a country created by former slaves, kidnapped West Africans, who, in 1804, when slavery still flourished in the United States and the Caribbean, threw off their cruel French masters and created their own republic. Haitians have been punished ever since for claiming their freedom: by the French who, in the 1820s, demanded and received payment from the Haitians for the slave colony, impoverishing the country for years to come; by an often brutal American occupation from 1915 to 1934; by indigenous misrule that the American government aided and abetted. (In more recent years American administrations fell into a pattern of promoting and then undermining Haitian constitutional democracy.)

Read more here!

Haiti

2010-01-13T13:58:00.001-06:00

Haiti is the poorest country in the Caribbean and Latin America.

Islam is the new religion in rebellious Mexican state Chiapas

2010-01-09T18:14:00.000-06:00

Amazing article!!

More and more Mayan and Tzotzil people in the Mexican state Chiapas are becoming Muslims. It's fifteen years since the Zapatista uprising in Chiapas and the region has undergone some profound changes. One of them is the emergence of Islam as a new religion in the state. The Muslim community, dominated by converted Mayans and Tzotzils , is slowly gaining ground.

By Jan-Albert Hootsen

Molino de los Arcos is one of the poorest neighbourhoods of San Cristóbal de las Casas, the second largest city in Chiapas and popular with tourists for its colonial beauty. The barrio is ethnically almost entirely indigenous, with Tzotzil Mayan as the dominant language. On Fridays, though, you can hear the slow, monotonous Arab chants of Muslim prayer. In a wooden shack, painted with Arab religious phrases, some twenty Tzotzil Muslim families have established a small place of worship.

"This is where we cleanse our spirits and pray to Allah. Not everyone came today, some people have to work," Imam Salvador Lopez Lopez smiles. "But we are doing well. Our community is still small, we are maybe two hundred, but little by little we're growing."

Lopez converted to Islam in 1995 and adopted the Arab name of Muhammad Amin. He was one of the first Tzotzils to embrace the religion. He describes his conversion as a tough, two-year period of soul searching. "There is a lot of ignorance in Chiapas about Islam. Nobody really knew what it was and at first I myself wasn't sure it was the thing for me. My family didn't agree with it either at first. It was hard."

Read more here!

HAPPY NEW YEAR YA'LL!!!

2009-12-31T18:43:00.002-06:00

I hope your 2010 is better than your 2009. Its about 5 hours until midnight here and so I'm going to say it now. I might be asleep by midnight. :~P I might be 24 but I feel like I'm 85. I am going to work on feeling like I'm 4o by the end of 2010. ;~P

Have fun and be safe loves!! Besos.

Thank God for Common Sense

2009-12-29T16:24:00.003-06:00

So I talked to the person and the person will remain in my life. It went a lot easier than I thought it would but that might be because I had to stay up to 4:30 in the morning to talk to this person basically making me extremely exhausted. I don't know if we'll last forever, but I won't give up easily. This person and I have been to hell and back a couple of times and even though we are at low point for circumstances out of our control that does not mean we have to just give up.

Maybe I have said to much but I feel like it needed to be said.

Love is Blind....

2009-12-26T20:44:00.003-06:00

...well, that just sucks. I haven't really written anything personal on here in a while. Life got to full or I was just not ready to face life. I started therapy and it feels good to go. It gives me a positive high for a couple of days and then I become depressed again. My mom says that after a while of going that that high will last longer and longer. I just wish it would come already. (Can you tell I'm an impatient person?) Ok pues things are not going too good at home right now. This year I have been starting to get ride of the people that cause me unnecessary drama and unhappiness in my life, little did I know who I might have to cut. Nothing is for sure. However, things don't look good. Four years done and gone. It breaks my heart just to think that this person won't be in my life anymore. Yet, I can't stand for this cruelty or whatever this person's excuse for it may be.

I feel so weak and tired, but for some reason I have strength for this. I just hope I don't have to stay up all night for this conversation. Inshallah whether we keep things the same or break things off - it will be positive and healthy for the both of us.