Confession

Ok, so this is another update after a long time of not writing. This was the worse semester of my life and I am honestly saying this since I almost collapsed from exhaustion. I feel like I'm in a good place, even though I haven't gotten everything that I wanted. I am starting to realize that God prevents me from having things because either He wants me to learn something or He is protecting me from danger. In this way, I feel very blessed.

When I remember the last year about people I have lost or jobs I didn't get, in the long run I have realized that it was better for me not to have them/it anyways. I thought of my life as a fleet of sinking ships and I have been jumping from boat to boat before the former is submerged. At times. I have felt like I would like to look at my life in a different way, something more positive. However, this is it. Life is hard and it is only on reflecting on the bigger picture of your life where one can find peace or solace. From this reflection, I realize that I may be on a path that leads to something that pretty much the majority of my family hasn't obtained yet. I feel arrogant saying that, but the cycle of relationships in my family has been the same all the way down. I am still trying to figure out where this path leads to but I hope it will lead to the acceptance and security that I crave.

I realize that that security can't be obtained from anyone because when they leave I am right at the beginning again. This is what happened to me in the past few months. I fell for that guy and I fell hard (even against my better judgement). He promised me so much but in the end, all I have gotten are texts messages explaining... I thought the last man was bad in terms of lying, but I apparently have graduated to a whole other level of it. The problem was that I was putting my eggs all in one basket again and putting them in well before I should have. I am still hurt by this because what I thought I had experienced was mirage. It is also a major ego blow. I didn't see this coming. I was... I don't know how to explain...but I feel that the energy of that time cause me to be so dizzy that I couldn't tell up from down. I loved it, but it also made me anxious and extremely defensive. I would be critical of this person and not realize why. I didn't do this with anyone else. I think when I gave all my eggs prematurely and without him reciprocating, I felt very exposed and the relationship hadn't developed enough to trust him...so I freaked out.

By the way, this is also one of the reasons I haven't been writing. I was too embarrassed to admit this. That someone could so easily find the crack in the wall and bypass all the defensives so easily. I need to put my pride aside and admit that I'm human. Sometimes I trust the wrong people. I still talk to this guy... I have been trying this friends thing out, but I don't really know how long this is going to last. Too many games have been played to be able to trust him like I did before and I don't forget easily.

Other things have also happened, but I think this is a long enough post for now. :~P