Letting go

I don't even know how to begin this. I met a guy at work and we have been dating for a few weeks now. Me vuelve loca. Well not him, more like the guy before him. I want to give this guy a fair chance, but I find it hard to do. I find myself searching for things that are wrong instead of enjoying what we have in the moment. I was a fool for a very long time and I don't want to repeat my mistakes. Statistically speaking, I will. I find myself getting agitated with him on every little thing. I try to hold it in, but then it just comes out. (word vomit, anyone)

I'm so afraid of being controlled, that I'm afraid that I'm being controlling. Its funny to see the role reversal now. My ex was afraid too. After a few weeks (or a few days), he would pop up and say that he didn't want to get married. I had just turned 20 and I definitely wasn't thinking about that seriously. My ex had married the girl before me after 3 weeks of knowing her. I find myself doing the same thing with this guy now. I am jumping on the offensive because I waited too long to do that the last time. I feel this pressure that my time is short and so I don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't really want me. However, I'm in a lot of ways not allowing myself to see what he has actually done.

He is a very kind and supportive man. Even though, he tries to look tough, but is more like a giant teddy bear (at least he can be with me). This guy is in the military and for the purpose of this post and possibly future ones he will be referred to as BSAM (Big Strong Army Man). Right now he is being strong for the both of us. According to my mom, I am talking on all the fear and anxiety so he doesn't have to. I know he is being patient with me, but I am still in the process of getting myself back. I don't know how long he'll be able to hold out. This scares me. My abandonment issues are all up on the forefront right now and even though I don't know what is going to happen...what if its bad.

I have been trying to tell myself to not think about it, to shut down. (way too much anxiety) However, this last time he mentioned it, and word vomit... Oh Mean Girls, how you have defined my life as a woman soon to be in her late 20s. (sad) BSAM will be doing military soon for 3 weeks. While I dread this and know I will miss him. I think I need the head space. I think this time will give me space to work through my issues a little bit more and maybe I'll be able to trust him. We will still be in contact during this time, but maybe if I know he is far away I won't screw this up so badly. This poor man has to handle all my baggage. I know I will eventually have to handle his, but at least, I got to go first for once. This is one aspect of him that shows me, I might be going in the right direction.

I have stopped myself from writing on this blog, when I found out he read some of the posts. Even though, this is very public, it was scary that he could have access to this part of myself. I tend to write in the moment and so what I put down usually is what I feel and think at that second. With this said, I wanted to write this, partly in hopes that he will come back and read it. I know I have said this before, but I'll say it again, ten paciencia conmigo. I'm not as crazy as I have been presenting myself to be. ;~) besitos.